Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Ryven and Leela's quarters were dark and heavy with a tension that Ryven could almost taste in the air as he walked through the entryway door.  The lights were dimmed, and a layer of smoke hung dank in the air.  Leela sat, cross-legged, leaning forward in a  metal chair.  She gestured for him to sit in the other chair directly in front of hers.  He sat down and she clasped his hands in her own.  He immediately tensed up, knowing only trouble could be coming. She licked her lips nervously and bit her lip before finally speaking.

"You know we need to talk." She stated, a hint of ice in her voice. "And I think you know what we need to talk about." Her eyes bored holes in his forehead.

Ryven stared back at her blankly.  He honestly had no clue what she was talking about.  "I actually have no idea, so, why don't you lay it out for me."

She seemed frustrated by his obtuseness, but sighed and decided to go ahead and explain. "You still love her."  Her eyes flashed.

Ryven's heart sank, and he felt a lump growing in his throat.  Of course he did.  He had, almost as long as he had known her.  He had hoped it would go away after he married Leela.  And it wasn't like he didn't love Leela.  But, those loves were leagues away from being the same.  He loved Leela, but never like he loved her.  Not trusting himself to speak, he just nodded.

Leela, nodding at his silent admission, continued, a tear running down her cheek. "I can't even be mad, Ry.  I knew you loved her when I agreed to marry you.  I thought, maybe, just maybe, you could get her out of your head.  I thought maybe I would be the woman in your life.  The one you wanted to be with.  The one you wanted to spend your life together with."  The tears began to flow more steadily, and she quickly stifled them and wiped her eyes. "But these are just pretty lies we tell ourselves.  Lies we want to hear.  Lies that help us to ignore the painful facts in front of our faces."

Ryven felt a tear of his own running down his cheek.  He couldn't even make eye contact with her.  She was right.  He had been deluding himself into thinking he could make it work.

He raised his head and looked at her, his eyes meeting hers. "You're leaving me, aren't you?"

She nodded, her mouth turning up in a weak and utterly joyless smile. "What choice do I have?  You know I love you.  You're the only man I can say that about.  I can't be with someone who doesn't feel the same way.  It's not fair to me, and I won't stand for it.  So, I'm letting you go."

Ryven cradled his head in his hands, the room suddenly swirling around him.  He really was a bastard, wasn't he?  She spoke only the truth, the truth he hadn't been willing to see.  He was still in love with her.  The right thing to do would be not to keep leading Leela on.  Besides, Leela was still young, attractive, and undeniably a good woman.  She wouldn't be alone for long.  Still, the finality of this was a dagger straight through his heart.  His chest felt heavy and breathing became much more difficult.  His eyes stung from the unfamiliar tears that suddenly filled them. "So.  This is it then?  What will you do now?"

She nodded. "Well, I'm not going anywhere.  I like it here, in I.LAW.  This is my place, now.  Honestly, I won't want to be around you for a while.  But, and I know this sounds cliche, I think we could still be good friends, once some time passes.  You've done so much for me, and I can't ever forget that."

Ryven crossed the short space between them and embraced her.  The only words he could think to use were: "Thank you."

She had saved them from the lies they told themselves.

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