Monday, September 12, 2011

Scorched Earth

Can a scarred heart ever really heal? For years, I have carried the oppressive burden of my past sins, the guilt of which slashed at my heart and bound me in a tailspin toward greater and greater acts of depravity. I tried to numb myself through my bloodlust. Then, for reasons I don't understand, I sought absolution through a faith alien to my blood, fighting for a cause far removed from my upbringing. And yet, I feel my wounds closing. I feel the black rage lifting. Now, where once there was rage and hatred and insatiable desire for violence, now I feel the calm wash of acceptance, peace, and the certainty of fighting for something other than the reward of another mark on my record. Now I serve something other than my own demons.

Sometimes I long to return to the State, but my newfound faith would make me an oddity, and my past would garner me few friends. There is a coldness to being cut off from your people. I wonder if this is a general rule applicable to all humans or if it is uniquely Caldari. Maybe this is the catalyst that drives the Matari. Perhaps.

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